Worrying about the future and my disability

I’ve recently been trying to come to terms with my disability – chronic pain I’ve had since I was 9.

The only diagnosis that stuck was tension headache, which basically means I’m a stressed person and my face muscles try to reflect that as much as possible.

What really concerns me is my future as an independent adult. I’m struggling to visualize a ‘normal’ future where I’m able to hold down a full-time job, not have to rely on anybody else, and lead an active social life.

Knowing that I’m likely never going to be able to fit in the way I wish I could is heartbreaking.

Even after moving to part-time study, I still feel pessimistic and disappointed with my work rate, and the idea of graduating and being pushed into a world filled with starter jobs in retail, or the food industry that I won’t be able to do because I don’t have enough energy…It all feels really overwhelming.

This is actually part of why I decided to start writing this blog – I wanted to showcase my writing ability to use as a portfolio for later work. Also, I needed a platform to complain about irritating hidden object “adventures“.

I really hope that someday I’ll find a job that can accommodate my needs AND pay a living wage. A girl can dream, right?

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Are any of you disabled? Do you have any tips? I’ve been following DIYAnnika on Youtube and Instagram and whenever she shares stories about her #spoonielife it makes me feel so much better. Are there any disabled people that you look up to?

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British Pain Society

Action on Pain

Pain concern

Rage, sexual assault, and moving on

A few years ago, I was sexually assaulted at a party by somebody in my grade. I thought I had moved on until he contacted my sister, implying he would do the same to her.

I seethed for days. I was absolutely prepared to dispense some vigilante-style magical girl justice (but with extra brass knuckles).

My partner tentatively suggested I move on, but I couldn’t.

Not only had I been hurt by the little shithead, now he was trying to threaten my little sister too. I kept gnawing at this, thinking about how depraved you had to be to threaten to sexually assault a minor – and not just any minor – MY SISTER.

I couldn’t let go of this, or all the other times I’ve been sexually assaulted, and harassed – by teachers, classmates, strangers on the street.

I  festered in my anger for over a week. I was constantly on edge, at times ready to whale on the next person who tried it, and at others weeping about how absolutely helpless I felt.

I felt I had tried everything – being the good girl that stays quiet and takes it, and the angry woman who confronts the men sexually harassing her in a club. No matter how I reacted to sexual assault, it was always shit. Every strategy left me feeling powerless, violated, and weak.

But staying silent and locking up all that hurt inside of me was just as infuriating.

I cannot forgive, and I will not forget. I can however, do my best to move on.

I needed to burn that way, and that hard. I was finally mourning all the times I had been hurt, as a child, teenager, and now as a young adult. Commiserating with my partner, and friends validated the despair and hurt that I felt, and was instrumental to healing.

After feeling all of that anger, and hurt, and insecurity, I can look back at what happened to me and feel a sad acceptance – I am finally free from that hamster-wheel of anger and impotence.

However, don’t take that to mean I’ll be on my best behaviour if he tries that shit again.

Resources for survivors

The Survivor’s Trust

https://www.rainn.org/get-help

https://www.rainn.org/recovering-sexual-violence

Sexual assault survivor’s guide